After Yesterday’s posting on Nancy Campbell’s devotion - Ear Trainers, I got responses like:
“HOW do you teach a child to listen”;
“But it seems like I got nowhere, my children only worsen”;
“How do you handle tantrums?”
A few years ago I’ve read To Train Up a Child, by Michael Pearl. This book gave me some insight, but since I’m a very strict, black or white-kind of a person, the principles in this book, made me harsh in my discipline. Luckily the Lord gave me a husband with a special, soft side, who gave me some balance!
I figured out that Training takes time and absolute commitment, while staying on my knees before the Lord for wisdom.
About a year ago the Lord lead me to a Book: To Raise Godly Tomatoes. The whole book can be read on their website. In the very beginning of her book, Elizabeth identifies four main areas were parents often fail: their priorities, their beliefs with regard to authority, how willing they are to separate their children from the world, and their willingness to reject worldly parenting theories and adopt biblical principles and godly standards instead.
Immediately I knew my biggest problem was and still is, my priorities.
I quote:
“...if you work very diligently at it, putting the training and nurturing of your children first all day every day, then the things in this fantasy will become reality, with greater and greater frequency, as your children grow older and older. You cannot enjoy the pleasures of a close, loving relationship with godly, well-behaved children, if you are not willing to make parenting them your top priority. You must view it as your FULL TIME JOB. If you make it so, you will experience these rewards far sooner and in greater quantity that you could have ever dreamed. “
Every time my little ones are spinning out of control, I can trace it back to me getting distracted in my priorities, not putting their training and nurturing first all day every day. Just this morning I’ve experienced it again. Just after Christo left for work and while the kitchen had to be cleaned up, little ones had to get dressed, supplements needed to be given, laundry had to be done (you get the picture), I decided I just want to quickly check my e-mails. It turned out I had to answer two e-mails and within 5 minutes there was havoc in my house. The little ones started whining, the older children got distracted in their duties and the atmosphere in my home turned south, with me losing my patience and ready to blow it!
It was only then that I realized it all started with me not taking care of first things first! I immediately closed my computer (in the middle of answering an e-mail) and took care of the little ones and got the older children on track again. Half an hour later there was peace in the house. The little ones was safe and secure with me training and nurturing them, knowing all my attention where with them and the older children knew I was watching them closely and I was expecting them to finish their duties and get ready for their education time. Life was back to normal again. Children thrive on routine.
Maybe your biggest problem is authority or separating your children from the world. No matter what, I’m convinced this book will give you insight and wisdom in how to train Godly children with obedient hearts.
Here is a quote from the book that touched me the most at first, when I started reading it. It could just as well be my call for help:
A Call for Help
Dear Elizabeth,
Help. I'm completely overwhelmed. I feel as though I’ve been doing everything wrong. I have several young children and they are out of control and I'm totally frustrated. I want to change things, but don't know how or where to begin.
Sincerely,
Just One Desperate Mom
Dear Elizabeth,
Help. I'm completely overwhelmed. I feel as though I’ve been doing everything wrong. I have several young children and they are out of control and I'm totally frustrated. I want to change things, but don't know how or where to begin.
Sincerely,
Just One Desperate Mom
Elizabeth’s Response If I could tell the mom who wrote me the letter above, just one very practical thing to help her get going, it would be this: Keep your children close to you one hundred percent of the time. I call this Tomato Staking, and I’ll talk about it more later in the book, but it’s really not much more than what in the olden days of the 50’s, used to be called “watching your children,” with a good dose of fellowship and mentoring added to it. If you do this, you’ll be able to see everything they are doing, and you’ll be able to encourage it or stop it, as desired. You will get to know your children and will learn to recognize and understand what is going on inside their heads and their hearts. You can not know and train a child who is not near enough to you to be known and trained. Keep your children with you. This will provide you with the opportunity to be the kind of parent you’d really like to be.
Your goal should be godly children. That means training their hearts to think like God thinks and their bodies to do what God would do. Keep them right with you (the younger and most untrained ones by your side, the older and better trained ones at least in the same room until they are absolutely trustworthy elsewhere). Love, nurture, encourage and educate them constantly. Teach them who God is and what His ways are like. When they disobey, or display a bad attitude, or do anything a godly child would not do, correct them promptly and require them to repeat what they did in godly manner. Once they have obeyed you with at pleasant attitude (never proceed until they do), go back to loving, nurturing, teaching, mentoring, apprenticing and enjoying your children as you were before. Watch your children.
"The eyes of the LORD are in every place, watching the evil and the good."
- Proverbs 15:3
Your goal should be godly children. That means training their hearts to think like God thinks and their bodies to do what God would do. Keep them right with you (the younger and most untrained ones by your side, the older and better trained ones at least in the same room until they are absolutely trustworthy elsewhere). Love, nurture, encourage and educate them constantly. Teach them who God is and what His ways are like. When they disobey, or display a bad attitude, or do anything a godly child would not do, correct them promptly and require them to repeat what they did in godly manner. Once they have obeyed you with at pleasant attitude (never proceed until they do), go back to loving, nurturing, teaching, mentoring, apprenticing and enjoying your children as you were before. Watch your children.
"The eyes of the LORD are in every place, watching the evil and the good."
- Proverbs 15:3
Focus on the Heart
Sadly, since starting my parenting website in 2002, I have received hundreds of internet appeals like the one above. These parents are sincere in wanting to raise their children for the Lord but don’t know how. The psychology based parenting methods so popular today, are not working for them. Most have floundered for a few years, trying different failing methods, and now find themselves with a small band of rowdy young ones who do not respect them, do not obey them, and are headed toward disaster rather than faith in the living God.
It is my hope that this book will reach and help many young parents in this situation. I have focused primarily on toddlers through grade school aged children, but have touched on older children in later chapters. I have used many of the questions I have received via email or my website message board to help explain the concepts I want to share. I’ve tried to give examples and suggest dialogs where I thought they would be helpful. Although teaching basic obedience is the starting point, the heart is always the real issue. Raising godly children is impossible without knowing how to reach and address their hearts, therefore I have tried to promote a focus on the heart throughout this book, over and above anything else. As you read my suggestions, do not take them as strict step-by-step rules. Instead, try to understand the principles underneath the rules, then be creative and wise as you apply them, so that they will best reach your own child’s heart, turning him toward the Lord and toward you.
"And it shall come about, if you listen obediently to my commandments which I am commanding you today, to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul…”
- Deuteronomy 11:13
Sadly, since starting my parenting website in 2002, I have received hundreds of internet appeals like the one above. These parents are sincere in wanting to raise their children for the Lord but don’t know how. The psychology based parenting methods so popular today, are not working for them. Most have floundered for a few years, trying different failing methods, and now find themselves with a small band of rowdy young ones who do not respect them, do not obey them, and are headed toward disaster rather than faith in the living God.
It is my hope that this book will reach and help many young parents in this situation. I have focused primarily on toddlers through grade school aged children, but have touched on older children in later chapters. I have used many of the questions I have received via email or my website message board to help explain the concepts I want to share. I’ve tried to give examples and suggest dialogs where I thought they would be helpful. Although teaching basic obedience is the starting point, the heart is always the real issue. Raising godly children is impossible without knowing how to reach and address their hearts, therefore I have tried to promote a focus on the heart throughout this book, over and above anything else. As you read my suggestions, do not take them as strict step-by-step rules. Instead, try to understand the principles underneath the rules, then be creative and wise as you apply them, so that they will best reach your own child’s heart, turning him toward the Lord and toward you.
"And it shall come about, if you listen obediently to my commandments which I am commanding you today, to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul…”
- Deuteronomy 11:13
I really encourage you to get this book (Christo has now ordered me the book) or read it on line. There are dozens of golden nuggets in there, from how to take care of newborn babies’ cries, to handling toddler tantrums and sibling rivalry, to take care of Mother's emotions.
With love
Linnie
8 comments:
Thank you for your honesty with these last couple of posts, Linnie. It is always good to know that people we admire also struggle; AND that they still come before the Lord. I realised from the comments on your FB page that there are many moms out there crying out for guidance and are so very grateful to know that you struggle too and are now looking even more towards you for your wisdom. :) God is using you and your family :)
I wanted to second the Raising Godly Tomatoes site. I found it also very helpful - especially the keeping the kids close thing (I don't do that nearly enough, but it's amazing the difference in my kids when I do). I've also found it helpful not to be distracted. (Again, fail fail fail at it as I often put myself first). The only thing that I remember that really didn't work from the godly tomato site is the "spanking for every infraction right in the moment" thing.
Let me explain. I do think that a smack* is necessary at times. (*inserting an explanation here as I read I've used this word a lot in this comment - for those non South Africans reading this - Safricans say "smack" instead of "spank" but it means the same thing). But, I found that the smacking right then and there all the time kinda desensitised me to smacking and, without the utmost control, could easily end up in a whole lot of smacking. I examined myself and my own sinfulness (lack of consistency and patience) and knew that I needed to work on these areas and couldn't trust myself to smack my kids according to the godly tomato way, at least not until *I* was trained to do so properly. And I haven't felt that I am consistent and patient enough yet. I realise that for many people, they can do the godly tomato kind of spanking with all the gentleness and love described, but I felt like I'd been given a gun with a licence to shoot at will, without ever having had a lesson in a safe arena on how to shoot it. It took me some years to realise that I needed to use another method for the smaller infractions of disobedience and keep smacking for the real defiant disobedience.
So, now I try (again - fail, on my knees before the Lord again - repeat!) to consistently give certain consequences for certain types of disobedience. For example - disobedience of the tongue will be a drop of vinegar on the tongue (or cayenne pepper for the bigger lies or rudeness). A bad attitude will mean having to do the job over with a good attitude. And I add chores to the bad attitude child until they can do them with a good attitude (my house sometimes gets beautifully cleaned without my having to do anything AND I score a genuinely happy, good attitude child at the end of it as they begin to enjoy the fruit of their labour).
I'm still not consistent (on my knees about this one particularly!) but when I am having a more consistent run of it, the kids respond really well. AND when I am begging the Lord to help me, He usually does :)
Sorry to hijack your post with this long comment! :) I just wanted to maybe help other moms who may feel guilty that they can't follow the tomato site to the T. It's okay to adjust what we learn from various sites to suit the family and the gifts and/or weaknesses God has allowed us to work with.
Thanks again for sticking your neck out on these issues :)
Love Taryn
Thank you for your honesty with these last couple of posts, Linnie. It is always good to know that people we admire also struggle; AND that they still come before the Lord. I realised from the comments on your FB page that there are many moms out there crying out for guidance and are so very grateful to know that you struggle too and are now looking even more towards you for your wisdom. :) God is using you and your family :)
I wanted to second the Raising Godly Tomatoes site. I found it also very helpful - especially the keeping the kids close thing (I don't do that nearly enough, but it's amazing the difference in my kids when I do). I've also found it helpful not to be distracted. (Again, fail fail fail at it as I often put myself first). The only thing that I remember that really didn't work from the godly tomato site is the "spanking for every infraction right in the moment" thing.
Let me explain. I do think that a smack* is necessary at times. (*inserting an explanation here as I read I've used this word a lot in this comment - for those non South Africans reading this - Safricans say "smack" instead of "spank" but it means the same thing). But, I found that the smacking right then and there all the time kinda desensitised me to smacking and, without the utmost control, could easily end up in a whole lot of smacking. I examined myself and my own sinfulness (lack of consistency and patience) and knew that I needed to work on these areas and couldn't trust myself to smack my kids according to the godly tomato way, at least not until *I* was trained to do so properly. And I haven't felt that I am consistent and patient enough yet. I realise that for many people, they can do the godly tomato kind of spanking with all the gentleness and love described, but I felt like I'd been given a gun with a licence to shoot at will, without ever having had a lesson in a safe arena on how to shoot it. It took me some years to realise that I needed to use another method for the smaller infractions of disobedience and keep smacking for the real defiant disobedience.
So, now I try (again - fail, on my knees before the Lord again - repeat!) to consistently give certain consequences for certain types of disobedience. For example - disobedience of the tongue will be a drop of vinegar on the tongue (or cayenne pepper for the bigger lies or rudeness). A bad attitude will mean having to do the job over with a good attitude. And I add chores to the bad attitude child until they can do them with a good attitude (my house sometimes gets beautifully cleaned without my having to do anything AND I score a genuinely happy, good attitude child at the end of it as they begin to enjoy the fruit of their labour).
I'm still not consistent (on my knees about this one particularly!) but when I am having a more consistent run of it, the kids respond really well. AND when I am begging the Lord to help me, He usually does :)
Sorry to hijack your post with this long comment! :) I just wanted to maybe help other moms who may feel guilty that they can't follow the tomato site to the T. It's okay to adjust what we learn from various sites to suit the family and the gifts and/or weaknesses God has allowed us to work with.
Thanks again for sticking your neck out on these issues :)
Love Taryn
Is die grootste probleem nie die "ek-kultuur" waarin ons almal vasgevang is nie? In hoevele vroue-tydskrifte (selfs Christelikes) lees artikel-opskrifte "tyd vir myself"...
Hier dink ek weer aan Jesus ons voorbeeld. Hy het alleentye gehad, slegs wanneer Hy berg-op of elders eenkant gaan BID het. Toe Hy poot-uit was, het Hy steeds plek en tyd gemaak om die moeders en kinders te ontvang. Hy was voortdurend omring deur weet-, leergieriges en nuuskieriges.
Dan is ek skuldig, want soveel kere wil ek net alleen wees, my eie ding doen, wegkom van nuuskierige, leeegierige klein mensies.....
Hi Taryn
Thank you for giving your insight!
I also need much more patience and wisdom with spanking, one of the reasons ‘Train up a child’ was to harsh for me. A wiser, more patient parent could maybe see it more balanced and interpret it in a Godly way. For me ‘Train up a child’ was only spanking as disciple, with little guidance on the loving parent part. That is why I’m finding Raising Godly Tomatoes so encouraging. It gave me balance in keeping my children close to me and the part on ‘Fixing ourselves first’ taught me a lot!
I also find it more helpful to use time-out, or do it over with a joyful attitude, or taking away privileges for a certain time, than spanking all the time.
That is why we must always remember to not copy another family or follow a book to the letter! Every family is different and we as Parents always need God’s wisdom, discernment and guidance in interpreting what we read and see in other families!
Have a blessed weekend!
Thanks, Linnie for sharing your difficulties. When we can do that, we help others to see that we are all not alone.
I'm on my way to Raising Godly Tomatoes.
Someone told me that they use from each book or advice what they can use in their family. That seems sound advise that I decided to follow. With the help of God our Father.
I'm reading Raising Godly Tomatoes right now, and I like most of it thus far!
Met 'n "Bang" is ek terug en het soveel leeswerk. Maar jou kuierwerf was nou die een wat ek gereeld op my selfoon ook gelees het.
Wil net weer sê BAIE DANKIE, want die webwerf raisinggodlytomatoes.com was (en is) vir my fantasties... Ek deel dit met almal
Ek weet nie hoekom ek so lank gevat het om op jou blog te soek vir discipline advise nie... Maar dankie vir die post. Ek begin more van scratch af met Tomato Staking, want die kiddies van my is ietwat wild.
Post a Comment