The past week was a tough week! It was the week our latest addition to the family was supposed to be born… Thankfully I had 6 months to work through the whole process of losing a child. The stage of shock, unbelief, denial, anger, indescribable loss, longing, desperation, bargaining... but I hope to say during this past week I came to the place of total acceptance. Trusting my loving, Heavenly Father that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.
Through this past 6 months I was desperately praying that the Lord would bless me with another child in my womb, before the first week of October. In His wisdom He decided not to. In a strange way I’m glad He didn’t, He took me through the whole process of acceptance and dependence on Him and Him alone!
Dear Heidi-Mari and I had a long conversation on Saturday morning. I almost missed the pain my children had to work through too, and especially Heidi-Mari. How do we explain a painful experience like losing a sibling to your children?
Jesus said in Matthew 15, ask whatever you want and it shall be given to you! We asked for another baby to bring up in the fear of the Lord, to change the world for His glory. How come the Lord took away that very special baby, which we know is in His perfect will?
Oh, but didn’t we asked for a baby to change the world for His glory?
Our 12 week old unborn baby had already changed the world for His glory, and we don’t even have the big picture.
I explained to Heidi-Mari, it is all about Vision. God’s Vision. We don’t know or understand God’s ways, but we do know God. God is our loving Father, full of compassion, and gracious, long-suffering and abounding in mercy and truth. He is trustworthy. But being a saved Child of the King of the Universe is NOT a guarantee that things will be smooth sailing. Quite the opposite.
Since I’m bought with a very high prize, the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, my life is not mine, therefore I will glorify God in my body and spirit, which are God’s. I’m His and I long to be for His service whatever He seems fit. For years I had to work through being at His service in carrying and bringing up all the children He need for His work here on earth. Lately He chose to take away one of those beautiful children for His work here on earth.
I don’t have an idea who has or will be influenced by the loss of our baby. Whom will I be able to encourage through my experience of losing my unborn baby? It is all about God’s Vision. On top of it, God is working on my character - to be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
I recently read the testimony of Irene Sendler, who managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants during WWII. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Thousands of people were killed during WWII, but she made a difference in 2500 lives. What would the world have been without those 2500 people?
The same with us. I don’t have an idea who God will influence by my experience, how Heidi-Mari will one day have the ability to make a difference because of her painful experience. But I have the vision, that it will make a difference, and because of that, I can stand up straight and say, It is well with my soul!
Do we have God’s Vision. God’s Vision which reaches way further than the here and now.