The Year of Charis. Grace

In November a tummy bug swept through our home. It started with one of the little boys waking me one morning with: "Mommy I'm nauseous..." I frantically cleaned up after him. Sent everyone out of the room. I did everything in my power to avoid the other children getting this too. Everything went well. Three days passed, no one else got sick. Then Wednesday afternoon, as we were preparing to visit the dentist, my little girl bent over with tummy ache. "Mommy, I'm not feeling well..."  As I cleaned up, I tried to convince myself, it was only an anxiety attack, she feared the dentist, the drill, the injection etc. Nothing to worry about. Then on Friday night our baby boy laid weak in my arms, and without warning it came. My big girl cleaned up, while baby boy and me got in the bath. Everyone was helping. Me to deeply in need to send anyone away in fear they will catch the germ. During Sunday night three children came down with the bug and before dawn three loads of washing were ready for the washing line. Praise the Lord for extra linen and an automatic washing machine, working all by itself while I tried to get some sleep and listened for the slightest sound of discomfort from my little ones.  By Tuesday I've cleaned the home from top to bottom, loaded the washing machine more than I could count, washed hands over and over again, but still all 10 of us got the tummy bug!

How does one know where the germs’ hiding place is? 

How do I get rid of that which is unknown? 

So much havoc caused by that which cannot be seen.

This past year was the year of Eucharisteo - thankfulness. 

It was no easy year. 

Two miscarriages. Dreams trampled in the ground, leaving nothing more than me with empty heart and, empty hands. 

A son who entered adulthood. Quite challenging to watch him in his independence. Could this be, my firstborn baby, dependent on me for everything, now driving himself to where he needs to be? 

My little girl breaking her arm, my sensitive one. The one who so easily get worried and stressed out. Also the one to whom taking care of others come as second nature. How do I comfort her in her pain, while waiting in uncertainty for when they will take care of her?

In this all, and much more, Eucharisteo was the life line to my loving Father. The window through which I could look into heaven. See Him taking care of me. The mirror of His love reflecting on to me.

But then in my thankfulness I identified my biggest need... As I observed God’s grace to me, I identified my need for grace.

Eucharisteo in the original language means “give thanks”.

The root word of Eucharisteo is Charis, meaning “grace”. 

It isn’t possible to live in Eucharisteo, without Charis - grace. 

As I counted the gifts of thankfulness, I saw God’s grace in the every moments of my life. And I realized I’m lacking grace on my loved ones, grace on myself, grace on friends and acquaintances. Big time. 

I’m very much a control freak, a perfectionist, hard on myself, hard on every one around me. I like things to be done the correct way, little mistakes… little grace.

I know all the verses, I'm memorizing them, I know the truth, I know my Father of grace. I know the amount of grace I have for others, will be be given to me... And when I'm trying hard, be intentional, I'm capable of walking in that grace, but what about those tiring, overwhelming moments, when grace just slips through my fingers, robbed from me, even before I owned it?

I’m frantically trying to get hold of grace. Almost like getting hold of the germs in my home, that month of November.

Where is grace hiding from me? 

Without grace there is havoc in my life, in the life of my loved ones, loss in relationships.

How do I practice more grace?

Might there be more to this walking in grace? Something deeper? 

I'm yearning to truly possess grace and gradually I came to identify it.  Grace is in the here and now. In the hurry and running around of every day life, grace is missed. That is the story of my life. I’m constantly rushing to the next thing, missing the now, due to what happened a few minutes ago or because of what need to be done a few minutes from now.  But what about the now?

"Life is not an emergency.In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives.Haste makes waste. The hurry makes us hurt.Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there’s no outrunning it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too.  Race for more and you’ll snag on time and leak empty. Hurry always empties a soul.”          Ann Voskamp

I often run on empty, exhausted, little left to give, but I thought it was because I’m to slow. It might be the contrary:

“Life is so urgent it necessitates living slow.”      Ann Voskamp

What if I intentionally focus to be slow? Yes, life in 2013 will be busy! Little children are demanding, unable to provide for their own needs; foolish in their actions, getting into trouble in no time; then there are my older children who needs more of my undivided attention, more of my mothering instinct to recognize their unspoken emotional needs. 

"Life is not an emergency. Emergencies are sudden, unexpected events - but is anything under the sun a surprise to God?”    Ann Voskamp

This is where I need my training for 2013.  A whole new mindset on the ‘emergency’ situations in my home. What if my goal is not for me to get everything under control, but to slow down and take care, thank God for the moment of being even more dependent on Him and making a difference in the life of my loved ones.

Taking in the moments with my large family, the good and the bad. Let these moments, which I already know are filled to the brim with God’s grace, fill me with grace. 

I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but I’m surely willing to learn and eagerly looking forward to master the how.

This year I will name - Grace.  I will deliberately walk in slowing down, experience the grace.  

Living in Eucharisteo, took me a whole year to accomplish, and I'm only at the beginning. 

May the Lord in 2013 grant me the grace to hurry less, slow down more, experience more of His grace, extended His grace more to my loved ones.

It is my prayer that the Lord may also reveal to you more of His Grace in 2013.  A Blessed and happy New Year!

This posting is linked to:

With much love

Linnie

Expectations and Perfectionism; Grace and Let Go

I’m a Passionate, Dreamer kind of girl, with a wild imagination, high expectations and seldom satisfied with second best.

When I was a young girl my Mother believed I could do anything. I was told I had a high IQ, and soon what was expected from me, became my inner motivation to be the best.  I only needed to put my everything into whatever I wanted to achieve and accomplished more than the average.  

Sadly, it didn’t turn out to be the case.  Though I worked very hard, often paying the high price of sacrificing fun and social activities, I ended up to be just your average student. Over the years a pattern was established. I couldn’t put off these high expectations, this urge to be perfect, but was always aware that I will most properly not succeed. 

Expectation is a set up for disappointment. 

My battle with conflicting emotions was an ongoing process: I was an Opportunist, with this very real underlying pessimism.  As a result I was constantly disappointed in myself, giving place to a low self esteem. 

Whenever opportunity knocked at my door, I would rush in with wild ideas and great expectation, reaching for the perfect outcome. 

Then a wave of incompetence, doubt and hesitation would gush over me, leaving me almost paralyzed from my own insecurity.

Over the years, under the loving, steady, believing influence of my husband, I learned to suppress the emotions of insecurity and low self-esteem. I drew strength from his trust in me as a Human being, created in the image of our God, walking in the calling of my life.

But, I never got delivered from the monsters of perfectionism, expectations and low self-esteem each time I failed. As soon as life got hard, making unexpected twists and turns, I would have to fight the battle of worthlessness, despair and anger; trust leaking out like water in a broken vessel. 

Then a year ago I was challenged to read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. 

I was introduced to the amazing wonder of naming the things I’m thankful off. Living in Eucharisteo. 

Eucharisteo - thanksgiving - always precedes the miracle, and I experienced it.  

But there was another layer. 

I had to read all the way to the ninth chapter. It caught me totally by surprise! 

“Expectations kill relationships”

Ann Voskamp shares about her valley wise and grief traveled mother: 

“I’ve known expectations as a disease, silent killer heaping her burdens on the shoulders of a relationship until a soul bursts a pulmonary and dies.”

Isn’t this so true? 

My expectation in a situation, in people, in God, constantly robbed me from simply receiving what is gracefully offered to me by a Gracious, loving God. 

Often these expectations are birthed in self - demanding my will; the belief that I deserve more. Simply put - pride.

And I read the convicting words:

“Only self can kill joy” 

“The demanding of my own will is the singular force that smothers out joy - nothing else.”

“Pride slays thanksgiving, … A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.”

And I had to let go. I had to let go of expectations, my will and everything I thought I deserved. 

And I read more:

“Is it only when our lives are emptied that we’re surprised by how truly full our lives were? Instead of filling with expectations, the joy-filled expect nothing - and are filled.” 

“Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts…”

I had to face the truth:

It is all grace. 

It has nothing to do with how good or bad I am and when I fail I’m worthless and a failure. I have to open my hands and let go, and only when I open my hands and let go of ME, will I be able to receive. 

And I’m in desperate need to receive.

To.Receive.God’s.Grace.

And extend it to myself.

And this is why Counting the Gifts is slowly changing my life. I’m not nearly there. I’m a doer, I’m always on the hurry. Being in a hurry, running for the next best thing, kills my joy in the moment.  But when I count the gifts, I stop and realize, Life is not an Emergency (Ann Voskamp). My life is filled to the brim with God’s Gifts to me, gifts of grace.

And as the end of this year is drawing near, 2012 which I called Eucharisteo, I’m thinking of next year.

Possibly the year of Grace?

Extending grace to myself?

But not only to myself, also extending grace to my love ones - to everyone around me.

Because, I’m a work in progress…

With much love

Linnie

My Conviction:

“...the secret of joy’s flame: 

Humbly let go. 

Let go of trying to do (my expectations);

 let go of trying to control (this control freak);

let go of my own way (my perfectionism); 

let go of my own fears (not trusting God, because expectations kill relationships - especially with God.)”  

Ann Voskamp, italics my words added.

This posting is linked to:

The Year of Eucharisteo!

A year ago I’ve given the year 2011 a name… The Year  of Rebuilding Relationships.  Three hundred and sixty five days later I’m looking back.  Did I accomplish my goal for the year?  I’m not quite sure.  There is still so much more to discover, improve, rebuild in my family relationships.  But that is life, isn’t it?  Always more.  

I try to think what this year would have been like if I didn’t name the year.  If my goal wasn’t to rebuild relationships. If I wasn’t crying out to the Lord to restore my relationship with Him, what He indeed did through the Fall Hello Mornings Challenge. Throughout the year the name was before me.  Every time I was tempted to blow it all, the Lord gently reminded me of my goal and I could press forward.  

As I look back I saw the changes, the softer hearts, the compassion, the growth. God bestowed grace upon me, and did amazing miracles.  

And I’m longing for more grace, more favour, more miracles. 

Abundance of miracles, in an abundance of grace...

Isn’t my God a God of grace who delights in miracles? 

How can I experience more of His grace, more miracles, more of His joy?

Joy, as a fruit of the Spirit, is one of my biggest challenges.  I remember studying Joy in Psalm 16.  Struggling to understand the true meaning of joy.

I’m by nature a fun girl, someone who can laugh easily, seek joyful moments.  

           But:

Seeking the Lord’s pleasures apart from my pleasures and still be joyful and at rest?

Allowing the Lord’s joy to guide me through night seasons?

Being joyful in all things - quite a challenge.

How do I find this joy of the Lord?

How do I wake up to joy and grace, miracles and beauty;

all that is the fullest life?

How do I exchange a life lived in emptiness, for a life lived to the full?

I desperately need the code to the heavenly vault of joy and miracles.

And then I read it in Ann Voskamp’s book. It’s all there in Jesus’ example.  

What did Jesus count as all most important, hours before His death and the miracle that would follow?

“And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is My body which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me.”  Luk 22:19

“He gave thanks”

And I quote from the book:

“In the original language, “he gave thanks” reads “eucharisteo.” 

The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning “grace.”  

Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks.  He took the bread and knew it to be a gift and gave thanks. 

But there is more… 

Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. 

But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning “joy.”

Charis. Grace

Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving

Chara. Joy  

And the result?  The miracle.  The miracle of Jesus enduring the cross for the joy set before Him.

Is it possible that Eucharisteo - thanksgiving - always precedes the miracle?

Could this be?  The code to the heavenly vault of joy and miracles, could it be Eucharisteo?

But this is a hard word?  Can I really do this?

And then I realized this is the Name for the year 2012.  This will be my goal.

Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving

In the year to come I want to practice this “Greek word with the hard meaning and the harder meaning to live - this is the only way from empty to full.”  

From an empty life, trying in myself for a fuller life; to a life overflowing with grace, joy and miracles, through thanksgiving.

In 2012 I will embark on a journey of naming the gifts of God bestow on me in everyday life.  Throughout the Bible, to name a thing, is to bless God for it and in it. (Alexander Schmemann)

In 2012 I want to cling to God’s Goodness, through thanksgiving; 

Experience the grace and joy of the fullest life; 

Wait in anticipation on the miracles that will follow.

“For of all the things our minds can think about God, it is thinking upon his goodness that pleases him most and brings the most profit to our soul.”  (Julian of Norwich, quoted in Richard Foster)

It is my prayer that you all may enter 2012 with great expectation in the love, grace and truth of the Lord! 

With much love

Linnie

What would you name your Year?  You’re welcome to share in the comments below. 

Read more about Name the Year here and here

Moving Forward!

An imperfect human being, rotten to the core!

That is me!  I have still so many personal issues to sort out. I’m impatient, get angry easily and from time to time have a bad attitude.  I’m very easily distracted and my house is more often than not in a mess.  I can write in the dust on my furniture, things easily loose their places, lay around and clutter is an unwanted guest in almost every room!  To top it all, I take on projects I don’t have time for, and therefore buckle under my own dead lines.  In this season of my life I don’t practice hospitality as much as I would like to! My children throw tantrums, complain over chores and bicker between each other, due to my high pace lifestyle and impatient personality…!

Most of the time I’m sober minded about my circumstances and personality, knowing this is a season, but then once in a while the ‘comparing monster’ jumps on me and blows my circumstances and personality to pieces in my mind and I hit the bottom of a well! During the past week, I read about extremely well organized and self controlled mothers with their well groomed families and experienced guilt, hopelessness, worthlessness, the list went on and on!  If only I could parent like that, organize my house like that, be more patient, homeschool more effectively, have more time for hospitality

My dear husband who always gives me perspective on days like these, was out of town, and I longed to have a long heart to heart talk with one of my mentors in Mothering and ask her advice. What is my #1 mistake, how can I change this, where must I start? But I soon realized, I didn’t need to ask, I already knew the answer.  

She (as well as my husband!) would answer, “It is not important - get over it! Stop comparing yourself!”  What is important is where am I in my journey to maturity, am I growing in Godly character and am I becoming more holy!  Yes, that is what it is all about.  Where I’m coming from is history! I can do nothing about yesterday.  But God do expect from me to trust Him for tomorrow and put on the New woMan!

How am I doing in becoming a new woMan? Am I allowing God to work perfection and completion in me through my trials, sinful nature and weaknesses? Am I moving forward in maturity, growing in character and becoming more holy every day?

Yesterday is over and done!  But I can trust God for a new today!  Trust God to work in me and transform me, that one day I would patiently work without anger, impatience and bad attitudes.  One day I might even be able to de-clutter and organize my home. Faithfully dust my furniture.  I do trust one day I will be able to manage my time wisely and finish my projects, without unrealistic dead lines.  One day, hopefully soon, my children will be without discontentment and bickering, through my Godly example and faithful training.

And if the Lord in His wisdom didn’t give me the gift of organizing I will be content.  You might walk into my home and I’ll need to quickly pick up toys.  

Please be patient with me - I’m still working on my issues, you might pass me in the supermarket, and witness me lacking the fruit of the spirit.  Because my children and I are sinful human beings, you might find us in a selfish act. 

In all of this I will rejoice in the Lord, He promised He will never leave me, nor forsake me and surely will in me to move forward!  I will choose to have grace on myself. He that started the good work in me will finish it.

And so that night I went to bed, humbled before my God, repenting from my sin of discontentment and self-pity and with an expectation to let myself be more Spirit filled and led by the Spirit! But life is hard! That night Michael woke up almost every hour and I didn’t get much sleep and overslept the next morning!  What a way to start my new day!

But oh, God is faithful! As I opened my eyes, the sun shined through the curtains with a brightness unknown for a winter morning in the Cape! Let me interrupt myself for a second.  We live in the most beautiful part of South Africa, but currently it is winter here and in the Cape of Good Hope winters means rain and mist!  If it isn’t raining, the mist will hover until noon!

This day was totally different, and may I add, it was forecast to be a rainy day! The day looked fresh and new, no sign of clouds or mist. It was calling me to take everything out of it, as much as I possibly could!

Immediately I knew this was a special gift from the Lord to me, almost like a token to show me, his grace is new and fresh every morning! Even though Satan may want me to believe it is hopeless to be become a new woMan!  God has grace on me, but I must make His grace mine and pass it on to my children.  

So to say YES to His grace, and determined to extend His grace to my children, I decided to take my children out into nature and enjoy the beauty of the day! 

Since we are studying farm animals I searched for a place where the little ones could have a farm experience, but I couldn’t find any and we settled for the Tygerberg Zoo, only 20 minutes from us.  CJ, Heidi-Mari and I visited the zoo, 12 years ago. With great anticipation we packed lunch and was on our way!

What a blessed day!  Normally planning for a picnic lunch for 9-10 people puts huge stress on me and makes me freak out, even before we leave home!  But there was a quietness in my soul.  I put the expectation I had of a perfect picnic lunch with all the right food out of my mind, and just made do with what we had. 

What a great picnic we had!  Dressing all the little children and be on our way by a certain time, is another mission!  Even that ran smoothly.  The reason, I let God! I put my agenda aside and asked God what he wanted to be done.  God is concerned about the little people in my home!  

What a privilege to have my day filled with the people nearest to God’s heart - children!  

In my drivenness I often miss my children and God’s heart. 

That morning I was so aware of my children's souls and God’s heart!  Through the day, I enjoyed each of my children’s emotions and actions!  Being a homeschooling Mom of many children I’ve always been sensitive to my children, it is my job! But God renewed me during that night!  

There was something new to my awareness!  

There was also something new to the way I talked to my children, the way I disciplined my children, the way I take them in account when asking them to do something, the way I could laugh with them and enjoy the day to the full!

Yes, I’m an imperfect human being, rotten to the core, so aware of all my sinfulness and selfishness, but oh, so open to God’s grace and interference, His teachings, His truths and His overflowing love for me and my children!

Thank you Lord! 

With love

Linnie   

"I will be confident of this, that He who began a good work in me, 

will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." 

Phil 1:6 

This post features on the South African Carnival of Homeschool Bloggers where South African home schoolers share experiences, ideas, philosophies and much more.  You can join the carnival too by heading to the South African Carnival of Homeschool Bloggers sign up page.   In the meantime, please feel free to browse through the links on this page to some awesome South African home school blogs!