Balancing Motherhood and Domestic Work

I get this question over and over again!  And I have to confess, I don’t know how to do it either! 

How am I homeschooling my children and take care of my home, without a domestic worker, add to that a larger family?  

So for months I have been trying to get this posting going, but it just didn’t want to happen. It almost felt like the Lord was keeping me from it.  

I first have to share with you what happened in our life some time ago.  It all started with David waking up one morning feeling nauseas. Now I don’t have good memories of a tummy bug.  From experience I know this can drag on for weeks in a family of ten. Sure enough, over the next two weeks the children got the tummy bug one by one, sometimes four simultaneously during the early morning hours. To have at least 4 loads of washing ready to put on the line, before sunrise wasn’t unusual.  By Tuesday, the last week of November, I was exhausted! There was no linen or blankets in the house that didn’t go through the washing machine during that 5 days, I woke up for little ones several times during the night while normal activities like homeschooling and extra-murals of the healthier children, had to be balanced in between taking care of little ones who felt miserable. By that last week in November my older two children also came down with the bug and almost everything in the house came to a complete stop. 

All the time I fervently prayed that the Lord would keep Christo and myself from getting the bug, but by the Wednesday morning I woke up with the symptoms that I treated my little ones for, for weeks. By God’s grace I didn’t get the bug nearly as bad as my children did, but I could barely lift myself from the bed (most probably plain exhaustion too).  Wednesday night my family (who, praise the Lord, seemed to take a turn for the good) put me in bed early and that night little Michael, almost 3years old at that stage, slept right through the night. I can count the nights he slept through on one hand, so this was highly unusual!  

I remember waking Thursday morning feeling energized, with a heart overflowing with thankfulness to the Lord that He kept us through the past two weeks. It seemed like we were recovering and all was going to be well, again.  Heidi-Mari was eagerly getting ready for the Tea Garden she would run for a friend at her Toy Open Days on Friday and Saturday and I just gratefully enjoyed time with my healthy children.

By late Thursday afternoon I was assisting Heidi-Mari in the kitchen, while she baked muffins, when we heard Danika’s bloodcurdling cry…! I immediately knew something seriously happened. She was laying on the steps at the back door, her right arm was underneath her body and it looked funny. Christo arrived soon after and half an hour later we were on our way to the emergency room with our little girl in great pain and distress.  

The next 24hours our family went through severe trauma. Danika was admitted to another hospital and into theatre, to operate on her broken elbow. We have not been to a hospital in more than 15 years, and was challenged totally out of our comfort zone. Those of you who know us more personally, over the past 16 years we didn’t even pay a visit to a doctor or used any allopathic medicine, only natural remedies. In the mean time Christo got the tummy bug during the Thursday night… 

By Friday midnight an exhausted Danika and me, thankfully walked into our home and slept for the first time in 30 hours.  Danika experienced great pain over the next couple of days and I battled greatly to process the trauma we went through. Everything just fell apart around me. I couldn’t focused, I was paranoid each time a little one fell or hurt himself.  I was stressed out.  My little ones was out of routine and insecure, demanding and naughty, while I just didn’t know how to take care of them, I couldn’t take care of myself…  My dear husband and older children tried everything to keep the home going and did a great job, but it was a huge challenge.  

We also planned to potty train little Michael the first week of December, since driving around for extra murals was over, I could stay at home with him and from experience I knew it’s best to potty train a toddler when Mommy don’t have PMS…

I soon realized I had to lean heavily on the Lord! He was my only hope, the One who sustained me. I counted gifts, let my thankful heart lead me into trusting my Lord and push away my fears.  My home was a mess. It wasn’t cleaned properly in a month, meals wasn’t what my family was used too, time for me to do fun things with my children was non-existing, not to mention time to read or encourage myself. 

And it is during times like this, that one ask oneself, “What am I doing?”

It is during these times that one feel like drowning in responsibilities and expectations. 

It is during these times of total exhaustion and when we are out of control, that the enemy of our souls come and lie to us and deceive us.   

During this same time a friend of mine experienced exhaustion and discouragement in her family too. And it was while reading well meaning advice on her situation, that I came to understand why the Lord kept me from writing my well meaning advice to mothers on how to balance homeschooling, everyday motherly responsibilities, domestic work and a growing family.

I could start to give you all my tips on keeping my home in some order. I could even give you my homeschooling routine and where I fit in the cleaning of our home. I could refer you to sites with how to de-clutter your home fifteen minutes a day or Flylady.   But… one thing I realized by the end of last year… It is not during normal every day life that the wheels came off, and mothers don’t know how to cope…

NO! 

It is when ‘n crisis situation happens;  

It is when the children get sick all together;  

It is when mommy is in her first of third trimester of pregnancy;  

It is when there is a new born in the home and the home dynamics change;  

It is when the financial situation change; 

It is when there are outside stress or responsibilities pulling on the mother; 

It is when we as mothers are out of our comfort zones, that we don’t cope.

And each family cope differently in these out of control, out of my comfort zone situations.  No list of things to do on certain days, or tips on how to run your home smoothly, will make a difference during these days.

But I did identify some lifesavers for traumatic, out of control time of my life.

• This is only for a season, though it may feel like a life time

When I was longing for a baby after CJ and Heidi-Mari at the end of the previous century, the only thing I could think off was, if I have another baby I will be house-bounded for another 3 years!  At the end it was for another 12 years! If I knew that then, I would surely have run away! Today I don’t remember the dust on the furniture (they are still there), the dirty windows (the are still dirty), the heaps and heaps of laundry (they only grew bigger over the years) or the evenings I fell into bed next to my husband (I still do) in total exhaustion . I see eight beautiful human beings with a calling on their life and God chose me to give them life and train them for His purpose on this earth. 

• This is God’s way of working in my life, making less of me, more of Him in my life, through serving

Looking back over the past 18 years of being a mother, toiling for my family, I thank the Lord that He chose motherhood as the trial in my life, to make me holy, and get rid of selfishness (which I’m still very frustrated about, not being nearly were I can testify with Paul, I’m content in all circumstances.)  Dear mother, God is asking from each believer in Him to lay down their life for Him.  Serving my family, is serving God, though it surely don’t come naturally, and asks sacrificing of self all the time. I constantly have to remind myself, I’m serving God in His upside-down Kingdom, where eternity is what it is all about.

• Never compare your family with any other family;

I absolutely love the opportunity to connect with friends over the internet, but one thing is utterly bad: I easily compare my family with another family, my motherly accomplishments with another mother’s accomplishments.  Families differ more than we can see on the surface.  I’m an ADD person. I’m lured away from my best intention to focus, within seconds. It isn’t in my ability to do more than two or three things simultaneously - though I know mother’s are supposed to multitask as easily as drawing the next breath.  The moment I have to multitask I have to remind myself to breathe!  There is just no way I can wash floors while helping one child practice the piano, another doing an algebra honours problem and advising another on her grocery list for the weekend’s chocolate creations.

For some mothers organizing comes naturally, they can quickly de-clutter in 15 minutes, and then move on to the next thing. Whenever I plan to de-clutter, I end up cleaning the whole room for the next two days!!

Then there are the dynamics in a home. Some larger families I read about, have 4-5 girls, one or two boys, their homes run smoothly, while practicing hospitality every weekend, and they do that with no effort. In my family of 8 there are only 3 above 10, two of them boys and one very conscientious girl. They are working like mad to help me organize 4 very busy, crazy boys and an artistic little girl, whose head is more in the clouds than with us. I myself just isn't an organised person, I'm all over the place!

Add to that the personalities of my children. Now I know God expect us all to grow in servanthood, but you do get some personalities that serve more easily than others.  If you have read “Created to be His Helpmeet”, you will know what I’m talking about. I have mostly Mr. Command Men and Dreamers in my home. They don’t make good servants!

Have grace on the personalities and home God has given you! This is His best for you, embrace it, for God is always good!

• Live in thankfulness for the beauty and the ugly beauty;

God is always good! I’m quite an expert on the ugly beauty of a homeschooling family of ten, not to say I know exactly how to turn it into an opportunity to thank God, but I’m a work in progress.  I’m always reminding myself that thankfulness will change a bad attitude. It isn’t possible to be angry, frustrated and upset, while searching for the beauty in the day, in my children, in my home and my situation and giving God thanks in it.

• Don’t try to carry tomorrow’s trouble, today

Often I hear mothers’ desperate panic cry, I cannot cope now, how will I be able to cope with another baby or when I start homeschooling? I once read a story in one of Corrie Ten Boom’s books how she and her daddy was due to take a trip to Amsterdam. As they prepared to leave their home, she wanted her travel ticket, on which her daddy kindly reminded her, she didn’t need it yet, and he will give it to her when the time is right. She told the story to illustrate that we should wait on the Lord for strength in difficult times and not try to run up front. Her daddy didn’t give her the ticket before they were ready to board the train, and if he would have given it to her before then, she would most probably have lost it. We will receive strength when we need it. If given to us before hand, we just might waste it.

So dear mother, don’t despair when a new baby is on his/her way, and you cannot see your way into the new dynamics. It might still be another 6 months, and by then your other children and/or youngest baby, will be 6 months older too, with new abilities you don’t know about now. Don’t run up front by worrying about what if… God is never caught by surprise, He knows the history of the future. 

• Take a deep breath and do the next thing;

When everything and everyone are out of control, and I forget everything that is good, praiseworthy, lovely and true, I take a deep breath and do the next thing. It is then that a schedule is my safety net. Yes, I do have a schedule. I don’t like to work with a schedule, it is far to rigid for this dreamer-kind-of-girl, but when all the wheels come off, a schedule is my life saver. 

• Do have a schedule, or some routine or rhythm.

As your capacity enlarge after a traumatic time, slowly get back into routine and before long you look back and you can smile again.  Never let a schedule control your life. The schedule is there to help me and I always stay in control of the schedule, not the schedule in control of me. Often, I get energized just by the idea of NOT keeping to the schedule. To take the day off and enjoy life with my children. Add to that my personality virtue/vice of changing things, and I’m able to look past a messy day and seek out something fun to do.

After breaking away from the every day tasks, one often has new energy to tackle the messes around you.

In the next posting I will share a little from my schedule and what works for us in keeping some order and cleanness in our busy home filled with little children, older children, homeschooling and creative arts.

With love

Linnie

Ask me…

Life is busy in the Lues family. It is the beginning of the year. New routines and little ones, not so little anymore, who want to explore more. 

Add to that me being a dreamer kind of girl, who love new challenges and you can see why we do not have one dull moment!

Some of the new challenges I took on for 2013:

I started playing the piano again! 

After 30 years!! By the end of last year Andrew started piano lessons. After Danika fell and broke her arm, she was very scared to play tennis again (She fell over her tennis racket, as she ran down the steps). During this time, with the arm in plaster and very little to do over a December holiday, brother Andrew taught her a few notes on the piano and they played together. Needless to say, she asked if she could start piano lessons too. 

Then I got inspired and decided to join them. I absolutely love it!

I started memorizing scripture. 

When CJ had his first drivers license test in August, I was nervously waiting in the car, desperately praying for God’s hand on my son. That morning I experienced the emptiness of not being able to recite scripture, that could give me peace and sooth my soul. A few weeks later the little ones started memorizing scripture as part of Discipleland. I was amazed how easy they memorized passages of scripture. Fast forward to the night of the 30th of November. 

Danika was laying on a hospital bed, in much pain and agony and we started to recite our bible verses. The effect was amazing!

January I read about the Romans Project by Ann Voskamp in partnership with Scripture Typer. 

The challenge to memorize Romans 1, 8 and 12 in 52 weeks!  Scripture Typer allows you to create verse collections for yourself. So while I’m memorizing Romans, I’m also memorizing verses on Motherhood and Encouraging verses to keep me going in tiring circumstances. It also have an iPhone application, so I’m able to review my verses anywhere, anytime.

I joined another book club by Sally Clarkson. 

By the end of last year I joined the Dancing with my Father club. 

It was so inspiring to join women around the world seeking God and His joy and strength in all circumstances.  This month I joined the Desperate Mom club. 

Hope for the Mom who needs to Breathe.  

I’m also in the early stages of helping my husband with the bookkeeping of our health shop and look forward to play with the numbers.

In all this, my main focus is homeschooling my 8 very active and inquisitive children. Oh, how I love to homeschool them! The name of this year is Grace and I experience the Lord’s gentle lead to extend grace to my family very real, to be in the moment, to slow down. Experiencing my Father’s grace all around me, while counting my second round of One Thousand Gifts.

As you might have realized, I don’t blog so often any more. This is partly because time is very limited, but I also came to identify my natural tendency to rather talk on a one to one basis, answering questions. I miss my blogging, and this bring me to another new challenge I want to take on for 2013. 

I want to base my blogging on your questions. 

While I’m only in the beginning of the Desperate Mom book, it is evident how much we as mothers need each other. We need each other to give us Hope and encouragement. To remind us of THE HOPE we trust in, while raising our children in the {often} loneliness of our homes. We need to remind each other to breathe!

If you would allow me, I would love to answer your questions on raising children (while raising my own on a trial and error basis), homeschooling, home keeping and family meal times. I just want to encourage you in your high calling as a Mother and being your husband’s Helper.

So if you would like to ask me, send me an e-mail at my blog address and I’ll see if I can answer a question or two, once a week. 

All questions will be treated as Anonymous. 

Please let the questions be very specific. 

To all you beautiful ladies, have a blessed weekend!

Much love

Linnie

Sonja's Questions Answered

Here is Sonja's questions, asked with my posting Free to Ask. 

1. Linnie, if you, like Solomon could choose something very special, what would it be?

I would have chosen wisdom in raising my children and help them through difficult times and choices as they grow older.  Even though there are brilliant websites and blogs, books and teachings from Godly women in raising children, every family’s dynamics are different, mothers are at different levels of maturity, have different virtues and vices. Then there is the husband’s way of seeing things too, it is sooooo complicated and never easy!  Every day is a challenge!  

 

Currently I need the power of Jesus in my home! I need wisdom to know how to increase Jesus’ power and how not ‘quench’ the Spirit and ‘loose the Power of Jesus in my daily walk with my precious children.

2. If you could choose a talent, what would you choose?

I would choose to be able to play any piece of music on the piano!  

 

I just love the piano, but don’t have the time or patience to practice.

3. When you think of raising your children, what is the most important value you want to build into their lives?

Obedience to the Word of God, no matter the costs. 

4.  If you were granted the privilege to make a new law for our country and to abolish an old law, what would it be?

 

I would change the law on abortions.

5.  Where is the most beautiful place on earth for you and if you could choose, where would you like to live?

Fifteen years ago Christo moved me to the most beautiful part of the world - Cape Town. There is no other place I would rather like to be than in Cape Town.  No place compares to a Cape, rainy, winter’s evening, snuggled up in front of the fireplace with the love of my life, while all the children are sound asleep. 

I fell in love with Table Mountain and the Cape when I was 12years old. I grew up on a farm in Bloemfontein.  Apart form Bloemfontein, I didn’t know any other place than Margate, where we went to for our annual vacations.  During that time, our school organized a tour to the Cape.  I didn’t even dream of asking my parents, they were very protective.  My mother was a teacher at the same school I went to for the first 8 years of my school career (not good - but that is a story for another day) and one of the teachers convinced my mother to send me with.  She borrow the money from my grandpa and off I went to Cape Town for 2 weeks.  I was the youngest in the group, but all the children were fond of my mother and promised her they would take good care of me as the ‘baby’ in the group.  It was an amazing two weeks, I missed my parents a lot, but for two weeks I could actually do as I liked, without being afraid I’ll do something that would disappoint my mother or cause her shame.  (My mother had VERY high expectations of me, expectations I often couldn’t ‘meet).  For weeks after we came back, I would start my sentences with: “When we were in the Cape...” 

When Christo and I got married, he refused to tell me where we would have our honeymoon, only that I would need summer cloths (we got married in Autumn). He agreed to tell me where we were going, first thing after we got married, IF I was on time at the church (he did give me a 3 minute margin)!  That got me motivated to not let him wait in front of the altar, but I didn’t take into account the amount of traffic 09h15 on a Saturday morning.  All the cars slowed down the moment they saw the wedding car, to get a glimpse of the bride and we got stuck at a very busy intersection!  

 

At the end I was 7 minutes late and my dear bridegroom refused to tell me where we were going.  Only after our reception I managed to convince him to leak the secret to me and he told me we’re off to Cape Town for our honeymoon!  

 

I was ‘over the moon’!   

I just love Cape Town, the mountains, the wine lands, the weather (although the summers is becoming hotter every year).

6.  What is your most favourite pass time?

 

Having a coffee date once a week with my husband! 

7.  If you could hope for one dream to come true for you personally, what would it be?

To tour Europe with my husband and children, the little ones a little older, but the older ones still at home! 

 

Walking through little towns, visiting old castles and historical places, enjoying the beauty of the mountains! That is almost an impossible dream, but we can dream, can’t we?

Thank you for asking, Sonja!

With love

Linnie 

Nelba's Questions Answered

Here is the first set of questions asked with my posting Free to Ask. 

1.   Do you find that your previous career stand you in good stead in your current career as mom and helpmeet? 

Definitely as helpmeet.  Since Christo is now in the Health business and Dietitians is one of his biggest opposers as far as natural medicine is concerned, he has much more credibility when he tells his clients, he is married to a dietitian and she got it all wrong and admits it herself. After being the mother of colic babies and allergic children for 16 years - I know this to be true!  

As a mom it helped a lot that while I was studying for 4 years I had 2 years of cooking classes and learned some basics in baking and cooking techniques. For that reason I’m giving Heidi-Mari the baking and cooking lessons.

2.   Can you remember when you first heard about homeschooling and what your gut feel about it was?

Christo asked me to homeschool CJ since he was 4 years old, but I just laughed at him, thinking it is totally ridiculous. I just didn’t take him seriously!  He just kept on praying. Then we went on a Walk Thru the Bible training and within 24 hours I met 3 ladies who home schooled their children. 

I immediately knew God was up to something...

3.   Have you read The Shack and what do you think about it?

No I haven’t read it.  I read a few articles about it in the early-early days just after it was published and immediately my spirit wasn’t comfortable with the story. 

I learned early in my life I must listen when I’m feeling uncomfortable and decided not to read the book.  About a year later a friend gave me the book as present, but I still couldn’t read it.  Another friend asked if he could borrow it and I didn’t see it again.

4.   What stands out from your memories of your childhood?

My dad’s compassion for me.  I grew up on a farm, my dad was a part time farmer and worked full time at the South African Railways.  Twice my dogs got hurt so badly, they would not have been able to live a decent life even if they did recover.  I could call my dad at work and he would leave everything and rush home to me and my dog.  Then he would send me off with my bicycle and he would relieve my dog from it’s misery.  When I came back he would be ready to cuddle me and buy me a new dog.

My dad and I would watch popular series on TV together into the late hours of the night. I would sit on his lap the whole evening and when there were scary scenes, he would cover my eyes with his big hand.   

Years later, after I got married, I had two miscarriages after CJ.  We lived in Cape Town and my parents were still living in Bloemfontein.  Our homeopath suggest Ozone treatment for 3 weeks, but it wasn’t advisable for me to drive after an Ozone treatment. Christo couldn’t leave his retail shop during the day to drive me to the treatments.  We called my dad and he came to stay with us for the whole 3 weeks, to drive me to my treatments, even though it was the middle of a very wet winter in the Cape and my dad hated cold, wet winters!

5.   Brothers/sisters?

I was the only child for 5 years, then my sister came along.  She was colic and my mother didn’t cope well.  Although my dad badly wanted a son, my mother refused.

It was during the early years of the contraceptive pill.  Women were now in control of their fertility!  I guess that is where I got my first bad encounter with the contraceptive pill - it deprived me of a brother!

6.   As a child, what was your role in the family structure? E.g. were you the peacemaker or the clown or the responsible one?

I was the eldest and that automatically came with the responsibility tag and the expectations to meet high standards.    

7.   What is your favourite way of relaxing?

Laying on the coach, with my children messaging my feet, messaging my head and rubbing my back!

8.   Do you have a relatively strict routine within your family or do you take things as they come?

I believe routines make a child feel safe and secure and life easier on mom. Late meals result in grumpy children.  A nice warm Epson salt bath after a long day of playing hard, make little once sleep like babies!

  But I can be a little over controlling!  Luckily I have a husband who do believe in balance and once in a while put dirty little ones in bed, to give me a break!

9.   Your favourite verse from Scripture? Why?

Rom 8:28  “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to those” who are the called according to His purpose.” 

This verse in Chapter 8 follow after Chapter 7 who says: “For I know that in me (that is in my flesh) nothing good dwell; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.”

I’m a sinner, I mess up so easily and often don’t know what is the best thing to do in a situation, but I do know God will work it out for good, for those who love Him.  I only need to trust Him.

10.   Does one colour dominate amongst your clothes or do you wear them all? 

Oh yes! I’m fond of red, for me as well as my little boys!

Thank you for asking Nelba!

With love

Linnie