The Pace of the Children

I was 29 weeks pregnant with CJ, when I got a serious bladder infection. First time pregnant in my third trimester, ignorant of possible dangers and implications of improper attention to a bladder infection, I just believed it would clear itself. During that time I was doing three jobs. Secretary for my husband’s business, mainly responsible for accounts, running my private dietitian practise, and working part time as a Consulting Dietitian at an Infertility Clinic. The Friday morning after I came down with the bladder infection, I visited the infertility clinic to consult a few patients. It was then that my gynaecologist friend spotted me and immediately knew I was seriously ill and the life of my baby was in danger. She immediately contacted Christo and within an hour I was admitted to the maternity ward. That weekend I almost went into premature labour and it was only by the grace of God that I was dismissed a few days later, baby CJ still safe and sound in my womb. 

I was instructed to stay in bed for another few days. The afternoon, after I was dismissed, I sat in my bed at home, reading my daily reading, Gen 32.

It was the passage of Jacob wrestling with God at Peniel, while he was in much distress to meet with his brother Esau, the first time after the betrayal of the first born right.  I read through the wrestling part and came to where Jacob met his brother, Esau, followed by the awesome reconciliation between the two brothers. And then I read a passage that in the past I didn’t even think twice about.

"Then Esau said, 'Let’s be on our way! I will go in front of you.'  But Jacob said to him, 'My lord knows that the children are young, and that I have to look after the sheep and cattle that are nursing their young. If they are driven too hard for even a single day, all the animals will die. Let my lord go on ahead of his servant. I will travel more slowly, at the pace of the herds and the children, until I come to my lord at Seir.'” Gen 33:12-14

The words just jumped out of the pages. It might be because I was very much confronted with the totally new responsibility I was facing. Taking care of a baby, another very small, little person, not even born yet, even more so depending on me and the decisions I make. 

During that weekend laying in the white hospital room very ill, unaware that they were preparing outside the room for a possible premature labour, I was confronted with the knowing that my life was not my own anymore. In the past I could work hard for long periods of time, pushing myself till I’m exhausted, satisfied with the results, and only then rest. That was exactly what I did the week before. My body was sending me warning signals, but I was determined to first finish what I’m busy with, keep MY pace, no stop till I’m done.

But that afternoon, almost 20 years ago, reading Gen 33:14, I was confronted with the concept of moving at the pace of the children. 

Numerous times over the years the Lord has gently reminded me and challenged me with Gen 33:14  

“…I will travel more slowly, at the pace of the herds and the children…”

Some time ago I got a message from a dear friend, who had her share of exhaustion with many little ones and illnesses, who had to cancel a special occasion. I encouraged her to be gracious on herself and her little ones, not feeling guilty. Her little ones now only needed her to move at their pace, to feel secure and safe. 

That weekend, 20 years ago, after reading Gen 33:14 for the first time, I called my husband, shared with him the passage and my conviction and together we made drastic changes. I closed down my private practise and limited my hours as Consultant Dietitian at the Fertility clinic to three times a week for only two hours. It was very hard for me to call my regular clients, informing them I have closed down my practise. Especially with my Type I Diabetic patients who were all between 6 and 12 years old. But it was all worth it. I carried CJ till two days before full term and he was born strong and healthy.

The year 2013 was a difficult year. I got more involved in my husband’s business, while still homeschooling the children and taking care of the home and meals. By the end of the year I was exhausted, but what was troubling, was the state of my little ones. They were crying and fuzzing almost constantly. Sibling rivalry skyrocket. They were disobedient and I could sense anger and frustration. 

By the 14th of December Heidi-Mari finished shadowing at the One and Only Hotel in the Victoria & Alfred Waterfront and our home could slow down. I stayed at home every single day over the festive season, giving myself the grace to unwind, but even more to just be there for my little ones, as well as my older children and husband.  The festive season was quiet and relaxed, the blessing I was praying it to be.

But it was only by the first few days of January that I become aware of the peace in my home and between my little ones.  I was the Queen of my home again. I wasn’t overwhelmed with the little ones any more. I was able to restore order again and confidently handle sibling rivalry. I noticed the four boys playing together in peaceful harmony more often, entertaining themselves and overall more content. They were safe and secure again.

Being the mother of my larger family was a joy and I was reminded of Gen 33.14. 

Moving at the pace of the little ones. 

Especially with older children who help in and around the house, I have to remind myself to move at the pace of the little children. Interesting it isn’t only for the benefit of the little children, but also for the older children, my husband and…. myself.  

Over the years Ann Voskamp’s words, “Life isn’t an emergency”, became part of my life, but did I really live by it?  

With the first month of 2014 over and done, I’m challenged to plan for a restful year. 

One of my 25 manifestos for the year is: 

“Watch Your No's, Your Yeses will take Care of Themselves.” 

I’m constantly aware to secure my days, my weeks; to not allow them to be filled to the brim.

The name of my year is “Rest”. I believe part of God’s plan for me to rest, is for me to be IN my home and move at the pace of the little ones.

I want to share Nancy Campbell’s Above Rubies FB message of the 22nd of October 2013:

“ANYONE FEELING FRAZZLED? 

Are you feeling frazzled? Is your stomach tied up in knots? Overwhelmed by motherhood? 

Dear mother, I think that often we feel weighed down and snowed under because we get involved in too many other things outside the home. It's so easy to get in the rat-race of running here and there and having our children involved in too many activities, isn't it?  

Many years ago I read a bumper sticker that said, "If a woman's place is in the home, why am I always in the car?" It isn't God's plan for us to mother our children running around in the car, but in the home. 

Can I encourage you that when life gets frantic, to take stock and look at what you are doing. I love the Knox translation of Hosea 11:11 which says, "In their OWN HOME, says the Lord, I WILL GIVE THEM REST." 

I know that all your running around is for good things. But, dear mother, don't let seemingly good things rob you of the perfect will of God. Even Eve, who walked personally with God every day, was not tempted by something that looked evil, but by what looked "good" and "wise" (Genesis 3:6).  

Watch out for deception and find your REST IN YOUR HOME.”

I have already made the decision to stay focused in my home this year. And by writing this posting I’m creating my own accountability.

Dear Mothers, move at the pace of the little ones and you WILL create peace and joy in your home, but even more, in your precious children.

He will feed His flock like a shepherd;

He will gather the lamps with His arm,

And carry them in His bosom,

And gently lead those who are with young."

Isaiah 40:11 NKJV

With much love

Linnie

Raising Godly Tomatoes (Follow-up on Ear Trainers)

After Yesterday’s posting on Nancy Campbell’s devotion - Ear Trainers, I got responses like:

“HOW do you teach a child to listen”; 

“But it seems like I got nowhere, my children only worsen”; 

“How do you handle tantrums?”

A few years ago I’ve read To Train Up a Child, by Michael Pearl.  This book gave me some insight, but since I’m a very strict, black or white-kind of a person, the principles in this book, made me harsh in my discipline.  Luckily the Lord gave me a husband with a special, soft side, who gave me some balance!

I figured out that Training takes time and absolute commitment, while staying on my knees before the Lord for wisdom.

About a year ago the Lord lead me to a Book:  To Raise Godly Tomatoes.  The whole book can be read on their website. In the very beginning of her book, Elizabeth identifies four main areas were parents often fail: their priorities, their beliefs with regard to authority, how willing they are to separate their children from the world, and their willingness to reject worldly parenting theories and adopt biblical principles and godly standards instead. 

Immediately I knew my biggest problem was and still is, my priorities. 

I quote:

“...if you work very diligently at it, putting the training and nurturing of your children first all day every day, then the things in this fantasy will become reality, with greater and greater frequency, as your children grow older and older. You cannot enjoy the pleasures of a close, loving relationship with godly, well-behaved children, if you are not willing to make parenting them your top priority. You must view it as your FULL TIME JOB. If you make it so, you will experience these rewards far sooner and in greater quantity that you could have ever dreamed. “

Every time my little ones are spinning out of control, I can trace it back to me getting distracted in my priorities, not putting their training and nurturing first all day every day.  Just this morning I’ve experienced it again.  Just after Christo left for work and while the kitchen had to be cleaned up, little ones had to get dressed, supplements needed to be given, laundry had to be done (you get the picture), I decided I just want to quickly check my e-mails.  It turned out I had to answer two e-mails and within 5 minutes there was havoc in my house.  The little ones started whining, the older children got distracted in their duties and the atmosphere in my home turned south, with me losing my patience and ready to blow it!  

It was only then that I realized it all started with me not taking care of first things first!  I immediately closed my computer (in the middle of answering an e-mail) and took care of the little ones and got the older children on track again.  Half an hour later there was peace in the house. The little ones was safe and secure with me training and nurturing them, knowing all my attention where with them and the older children knew I was watching them closely and I was expecting them to finish their duties and get ready for their education time. Life was back to normal again. Children thrive on routine.

Maybe your biggest problem is authority or separating your children from the world. No matter what, I’m convinced this book will give you insight and wisdom in how to train Godly children with obedient hearts.

Here is a quote from the book that touched me the most at first, when I started reading it.  It could just as well be my call for help:

A Call for Help
Dear Elizabeth,

Help. I'm completely overwhelmed. I feel as though I’ve been doing everything wrong. I have several young children and they are out of control and I'm totally frustrated. I want to change things, but don't know how or where to begin.

Sincerely,
Just One Desperate Mom

Elizabeth’s Response If I could tell the mom who wrote me the letter above, just one very practical thing to help her get going, it would be this: Keep your children close to you one hundred percent of the time. I call this Tomato Staking, and I’ll talk about it more later in the book, but it’s really not much more than what in the olden days of the 50’s, used to be called “watching your children,” with a good dose of fellowship and mentoring added to it. If you do this, you’ll be able to see everything they are doing, and you’ll be able to encourage it or stop it, as desired. You will get to know your children and will learn to recognize and understand what is going on inside their heads and their hearts. You can not know and train a child who is not near enough to you to be known and trained. Keep your children with you. This will provide you with the opportunity to be the kind of parent you’d really like to be.

Your goal should be godly children. That means training their hearts to think like God thinks and their bodies to do what God would do. Keep them right with you (the younger and most untrained ones by your side, the older and better trained ones at least in the same room until they are absolutely trustworthy elsewhere). Love, nurture, encourage and educate them constantly. Teach them who God is and what His ways are like. When they disobey, or display a bad attitude, or do anything a godly child would not do, correct them promptly and require them to repeat what they did in godly manner. Once they have obeyed you with at pleasant attitude (never proceed until they do), go back to loving, nurturing, teaching, mentoring, apprenticing and enjoying your children as you were before. Watch your children.
"The eyes of the LORD are in every place, watching the evil and the good."
- Proverbs 15:3

Focus on the Heart
Sadly, since starting my parenting website in 2002, I have received hundreds of internet appeals like the one above. These parents are sincere in wanting to raise their children for the Lord but don’t know how. The psychology based parenting methods so popular today, are not working for them. Most have floundered for a few years, trying different failing methods, and now find themselves with a small band of rowdy young ones who do not respect them, do not obey them, and are headed toward disaster rather than faith in the living God.

It is my hope that this book will reach and help many young parents in this situation. I have focused primarily on toddlers through grade school aged children, but have touched on older children in later chapters. I have used many of the questions I have received via email or my website message board to help explain the concepts I want to share. I’ve tried to give examples and suggest dialogs where I thought they would be helpful. Although teaching basic obedience is the starting point, the heart is always the real issue. Raising godly children is impossible without knowing how to reach and address their hearts, therefore I have tried to promote a focus on the heart throughout this book, over and above anything else. As you read my suggestions, do not take them as strict step-by-step rules. Instead, try to understand the principles underneath the rules, then be creative and wise as you apply them, so that they will best reach your own child’s heart, turning him toward the Lord and toward you.
"And it shall come about, if you listen obediently to my commandments which I am commanding you today, to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul…”
- Deuteronomy 11:13

I really encourage you to get this book (Christo has now ordered me the book) or read it on line.  There are dozens of golden nuggets in there, from how to take care of newborn babies’ cries, to handling toddler tantrums and sibling rivalry, to take care of Mother's emotions.

With love

Linnie

Welcome Michael Party and 'Me-Time"

When I was pregnant with Daniel, a special group of friends gave us a baby shower. Christo told me we were expecting a friend for the evening from Pretoria. As I opened the door, there were all my friends with a surprise party!  

Since I was convinced it was a girl and up to then, had never been wrong with any of my babies, they all blessed us with pink gifts!

Needles to say, there weren’t much blue clothes or blankets when little Daniel arrived. He was wrapped in a pink blanket the first hour of his life! 

So this time around we decided to rather have a ‘Welcome Baby Party” instead of a baby shower! 

One of the benefits of having a ‘baby shower’ after the birth is that everyone knows, baby is a boy or a girl, in terms of gifts,

and it makes it easier on the family to have one morning during which all my special friends can meet the new addition to our family.

So, on a beautiful Friday morning, in February, my special group of friends, blessed us with a ‘Welcome Michael Party’!  

We all met at Meerendal in the Durbanville wine lands and had cake, coffee 

and such a special time together.  

Every one got a turn of meeting and holding little Michael, 

while he was totally unaware of all the attention. 

The oohs and the aahs, while adoring this perfect, tiny, human being! 

It was such a blessing to me to enjoy this special morning in the company of my friends!  Thank you, my dear Friends!

That doesn’t happened very often.  Being devoted to my family and their needs doesn’t give me much time to hang out with friends, not even receiving friends at home. I am totally at peace with it! This is the season in my life during which I devote every minute of my day to be close to my children and train them up in the way they should go.   I believe the success of raising Godly children depends on my priorities and how willing I am to separate my children from the world. 

The past few weeks I heard so many mothers complaining about their lack of ‘Me-Time”.  Where does this ‘Me-Time’ monster come from?  Everywhere I turn, and most of the time I’m around Christian Woman, I heard them long for more ‘Me-Time’ and asking each other how to work in more ‘Me-Time”.  I’ve observed in all these mothers that there longing for more ‘Me-Time’ is there biggest obstacle in raising Godly children in whom they could have a delight to be around.

We need to let go of this “Me-Time-Monster” that robs mothers of the pleasures of a close, loving relationship with godly, well-behaved children!  The “Me-Time-Monster” gives you the illusion that having time AWAY from your children will help you cope with the demands of being WITH your children!  Wrong thinking!  Dear mother we need to renew our minds, turning away from worldly thinking. The more mothers are AWAY from their children, the more undisciplined and ‘lonely’ children become, resulting in more demanding children!

Training our children’s hearts to think like God thinks is only possible if we Mothers keep them right by us.  

We need to keep our younger and most untrained ones by our side constantly. The older and more trained ones at least in the same room until they are absolutely trustworthy elsewhere.   We need to love, nurture, encourage and educate our children constantly. We need to watch them 24 hours a day!  We need to renew our minds to WILLINGLY make parenting our top priority!  It is our FULL TIME JOB!

My second motivation for being a ‘stay-at-home-homeschooling-mother’ is to separate my children from wrong influences, at least until they are very mature in their training and faith (and this maturity doesn’t come as quickly as most parents expect). 

We read in Matthew 6:24, 

"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other..." (NAS)

By allowing our children to be exposed to questionable outside influences, we’re pushing our children into the arms of a second master.  By removing TV from our home and homeschooling our children, we effectively keep our children from wrong influences.  But there is another more enjoyable and simple thing we can do to produce godly, loving children.

We DO more things TOGETHER as a family and let our children do fewer things with ‘friends’ outside the family.  We keep our children WITH us, and reject the popular mindset that my children ‘need’ to socialize outside their home.  It is often at these socializing events that our children will learn values, other than ours and pick up attitudes that are anti-family and anti-authority.  This is where our children will lose their loyalty toward us and God and turn their loyalty toward the world.

We read in 2 Cor. 6:17-18

"Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate," says the Lord. "And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you. And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me," says the Lord Almighty.

Our children never ask for friends and socializing outings!  They are content in their home and with each other.  In the security of their own home, with a mother who are devoted 24 hours a day, training them 7 days a week, it is possible to raise Godly Children and enjoy parenthood.

Then the picture of cooing infants who loves to be rocked to sleep, 

cute toddlers who enjoy playing peacefully for hours with blocks and toy trains. Grade school children who are always eager to learn and never bicker, 

helpful teens who look forward to sharing confidences with Mom and Dad, and finally young adults who are mature and trustworthy and prepared to start families of their own, is not completely unrealistic! 

Do I long sometimes to be in adult, friendly company?  Do I miss my friends?  

For sure I do!  I love my friends and enjoy every minute spent with them.  But for now, my family is the priority and I need to sacrifice my needs, for them.  I do believe the sacrifice will bear MUCH FRUIT in the future!  And there will always be time to be with friends again when this season is over... but I will NOT have time again to train my children, when they are grown up!